


words fail, words fail

by livtontea



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, But Done Non-Canonically (Possibly), Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not Beta Read, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Triggers, a take on ben's death basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21567136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livtontea/pseuds/livtontea
Summary: Ben's suicide letter. He might have burned it, or destroyed it some other way, killing it with himself, but this is what it said. Or says. Maybe the others got to read it. Maybe they didn't.It doesn't really matter. Ben's dead. And he wrote a letter.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & The Hargreeves
Comments: 10
Kudos: 35





	words fail, words fail

**Author's Note:**

> This is dealing with major themes of suicide, and it's literally a suicide letter, so please please please don't read it if you're not comfortable or triggered by this sort of thing!! Stay safe out there, you guys.
> 
> Title from [Words Fail.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKP9UdIcXFk)
> 
> Alternative title that I had as my doc name but forgot to post here because my memory is nonexistent: Letter from the Lost

Before I start, I'd like to say that I love you guys, and I'm sorry. I am. Sorry. I'm so sorry, because I know how much you're all going to hurt when you read this, but I

I can't keep doing this. It's always been too late for me. So I'm sorry—I'm sorry that I have to do this, I'm sorry that there's no other way. I hope you guys can move on, eventually. Sorry.

I don’t know. It’s all so messy in my head, sometimes. Most of the time. It’s like if I was a ball of yarn, and then somebody rolled me down eight (or six. Ha.) flights of stairs. I’m just always so… I don’t know. Klaus probably understands. Most of you probably do. I’m sorry.

I think that maybe it’s because of the Horror. I hate it. I can’t believe it’s

I’ll spare you the details. Let’s say that if somebody offered to take it away—to make me normal—I’d take the shot. I’d take all the shots. It’s always inside of me. You guys probably don’t know this, but I can feel it. All the goddamn time. It’s always there. I can’t escape it. How would one even run from their own body?

Well. This is how. Clearly. Again, I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Eventually.

Diego, you’re probably going to hate me for a while. How could I, right? Just up and leave you like this. How can I. How am I gonna. I hope it’ll be quick. There’s probably gonna be pain, I’m not expecting to get off scot-free. Not with everything I’ve done. 

Out of all of us, I’ve killed the most people. One more body on the list, soon. Not much, huh? What’s one more murder in this… ocean of death that I’ve created?

Luther. You’re probably going to blame yourself. Don’t. Please. It isn’t your fault. I would say it’s mine, it’s Dad’s, but you wouldn’t believe either of those so. It’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. Please.

Allison, I’m sorry. You don’t blame yourself for not being able to bring me back, either. I know you’re going to try before you find this note. It just. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t want it to work that way. Let me stay dead. Let yourself move on. Be happy without me, I know you can do it. All of you can. Please let yourself forget me.

Klaus. There’s… so much I wish you would know. I’m sorry for leaving you, especially. I hope you never see me around. I hope I don’t stay. I wouldn’t

I don’t want to burden you even in death. Don’t try to look for me, please. If you do, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay away. If I stayed, though, I’d try to help. But I won’t. Please don’t make me stay, Klaus. 

God, none of this makes sense, does it? It’s all just blabber, I know, sorry. You guys deserve better than some shitty parting note. I’m sorry I can’t give you better. 

It’s all just so dull, you know? You probably don’t. I’ve never said it out loud, but I’ve tried drugs before (sorry, Klaus). It’s… It makes you so numb. It’s fantastic, actually. You don’t feel anything. I never tried it again. I was too scared of, like… getting addicted. Dependant. I hated the idea. Losing control just isn’t my forte, and that’s what it would have progressed to if I’d taken anything harder than shitty weed.

Yeah. Sorry for stealing your drugs, Klaus. (Also, please don’t drown yourself in drugs as a coping mechanism.) (Yeah. I’ve been reading up on my self-help books. I had to at least try, yeah? Didn’t do much to help, but theoretically, I could’ve become a therapist.)

Okay. Right. Getting back on topic.

Five. 

Why am I writing this one. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll read it someday.

Okay. Five. I’m not going to lie, I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now if you were still here. I would probably be fine. Or as fine as I could be in this shithole. But I don’t blame you for leaving. I wish I had, earlier. Too late to turn back now, though. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are. If you know what I’ve done, I’m sorry. If you don’t? I guess living in oblivion can be good too. Just… Don’t hurt too bad. Please. There’s nothing you could have done. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame any of you. Don’t blame yourselves, for me. Please. I’m sorry.

Vanya. Last, but I don’t really think you’re least. Jesus, you probably didn’t even know this was coming. None of you probably did. I’m so sorry, Vanya. Your violin is beautiful. I would have offed myself earlier if not for your music. I love the piece with the trills. Is that what they’re called? The fast notes. They’re good. Don't give up on yourself.

Mom and Pogo. I’m sorry. You’re probably going to be the ones Dad makes. Well.

My body isn’t cleaning itself up, is it. And you’re going to have to cover this up for the press… No way Dad is letting the world in on this. It’ll be our family’s little secret. Ben Hargreeves: Driven to Suicide. Funny, and totally unrealistic. Yeah, he’ll probably say it was an accident or something. Good luck.

This is getting long, and I’m running short on time, so one last thing. I love you. I love you all so much. Good luck in life. I wish I could be there with you, but

I can’t. 

I’m sorry. I love you.

~~ Sincerely, ~~

~~ Yours Truly, ~~

~~ With Love, ~~

~~ Yours, ~~

Signed,

Ben.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're ever struggling with thoughts of suicide, please try to get help. <http://www.suicidehotlines.com/> Here's a website with a list of suicide hotlines for the USA. <https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines> Here's one with an international list. Please stay safe, and don't kill yourself tonight. I believe in you, wherever you may be. You're strong, and you can survive. <33


End file.
